My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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