Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
