put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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