I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
