Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
