Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
