I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Who did Billy Mays play for?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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