If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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