Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
