It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
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