i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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