Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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