I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
