Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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