I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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