That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
