Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
