I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
