The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
