My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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