Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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