if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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