half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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