You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
