I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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