Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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