Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
This is classic penis vs brain.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
