If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
