why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
