I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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