My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
