Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
