Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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