i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
