I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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