1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
