I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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