allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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