Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
me + whiskey = a bad person
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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