I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
