Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
