It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
