so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I think my moral compass just broke
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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