I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
