Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
