Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
