So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
