Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
