I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
