Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
